It's been FOUR years...

 I cannot believe this website hasn't deleted my very few posts for the lack of inactivity, but I am happy they haven't. When you think about how much has changed in four years it's truly colossal.

In college, my anxiety got exceptionally bad for a while; so bad that my panic attacks caused me stop driving for a while. It was during this time I was living with some of my best friends, Amy and Cody (and dating Mike). My ANXIETY was causing me to have such bad headaches, but I had convinced myself it was a brain tumor, which then caused anxiety attacks (circle of panic). I have always been so open about 99% of my life, which is something my Dad instilled in me. I'm so grateful he did because in doing so, I could find humor in my pain, others would talk to me about their same problems, and it felt like the weight of the world was lifted off my shoulders. By talking to Amy and Cody about my fear of having a brain tumor, we soon had a name for "her": Cynthia. In naming this fictitious tumor, I took some of the control back, and eventually Cynthia ceased to exist. 

When I was diagnosed with cancer, my oncologist thought it would be prudent to scan my brain. One of the most common places that melanoma metastasizes to is the brain, and since I had lymph node involvement, it was a precaution we decided to take given my young age. In the 2018 scan of my brain, we found a small tumor (referred to as an adenoma) in the pituitary region of my brain (right behind the eyes). My oncologist reassured me that melanomas do not tend to metastasize to this region and referred me to a neurologist/neurosurgeon. The neurologist did some blood work but said the same thing; he had every reason to believe it was benign and we would watch it with scans. Adenomas in this region only needed to be removed if they grew to a certain size; only if they were encroaching on the optic nerve, the carotid arteries, or were affecting vision. In August I found out that my tumor was at max capacity -- it had grown fairly rapidly for standard adenomas, and was pushing on my carotid artery. In ten days, on Nov. 17th, I will be having brain surgery to remove this tumor. big deep breath.   

I thank God every day that my  mental health is at a place that is so much better than it was when I was naming a fictitious brain tumor in my head, because cancer and/or news of needing brain surgery would debilitate me more than I care to think about. Having this tumor removed is not like "brain surgery" we'd all normally think about. It happens in a few steps - starting with an ENT who "gets" the neurosurgeon through my nose with an endoscope. Then, the neurosurgeon uses the endoscope and very detailed imaging to go through my brain (right behind my nose and eyes) and *hopefully* removes every last piece of the tumor. They predict the surgery to be about four to five hours and then I will be in the hospital for few days. I will have a packed nose for two weeks, and lots of restrictions for about six to eight weeks. I'm scared... boy, am I scared. They will biopsy the tumor and we will get the results back two weeks after surgery. 

If you pray, please pray for my family - specifically Gigi with the big heart. We haven't told her about this surgery yet but will be doing so soon. Please pray for Mike, as he will have a very full plate in the coming months. On the 17th, please pray that all goes smoothly and that this bump will be behind our family. We cherish it all... all the vibes and love, and all of you. 

I write this, truly, not for your pity. It's a scary time, but in the last five years God has given me the gift of perspective. I know how good I have it. I know that on the dark days I still have so many more that are full of light. 💛 

love, lauren